Fighting the Trauma Monster

Maybe I have been misleading and if so that is my fault. I think it is my responsibility to clarify a few things. Over the last few years, my life has taken dramatic shifts that for what it’s worth have been revolutionary for me. I have all but quit drinking, smoking, hooking up, lying, and being a piece of shit. Generally speaking. Still, every day is work. There is never a rest day. There is no offseason. Taking a vacation isn’t a fucking option when every day there are things to get done. Hell, this isn’t even exclusive to the warrior survivors who spend every waking second of their lives trying to be human. We all have shit, and we all have ways that we deal with it. Sometimes we do bad things, and sometimes we stay the course despite how many waves are rocking the boat. I don’t want to come off as the guy who has all the answers and somehow went from freefalling at 100 miles per hour to having all my shit in order and being flawless. That would be a lie.

There are mornings that I wake up in the worst fucking mood. I think that I should stay in bed and be mad at the world. I lay there looking at the ceiling frustrated that another day is about to begin. I wonder why I should even sit up and walk into the kitchen to get water when it is so damn hard. I look at my watch, ask myself who else is going to take care of me, and get up. That is a battle that never ends because when I wake up in the morning my brain has to get primed and I have to remind myself that there is nothing on this planet that will stop me but me. That is my ground floor.

I still have days when I struggle. Yes, I go to the gym, eat, meditate, and carry forth with my standard self-care protocols, but in the back of my head, I’m still fighting a shadow monster that follows me everywhere I go. It’s kind of like the Upside Down. Everything is dark under the shadow of the beast that lingers over me. I don’t run from it because there is nowhere to go. That’s the kicker when the monster lives in my head. I don’t get to turn off the parlous thoughts. It just doesn’t work that way.

My monster is self-doubt, lethargy, lack of motivation, unagreeable self-talk, laziness, gluttony, lust, love addiction, drugs, alcohol, and despair. He’s always hankering for a drag from a joint or cigarette or a 5th of dark rum. He is notorious for destroying everything in his path. My monster loves to be fed and goddamnit he is hungry. Always will be. There is no satiating something that has a never-ending appetite. I see its eyes peer down on me and it is in the moments that I choose to stand fast that I take bits and pieces of his will to overtake me. Every moment of every day I am on the borderline of full collapse. It’s the ultimate high wire balancing act. One false step and I could plummet to my demise right down the gullet of the beast.

It’s not enough to stand toe to toe with my monster and tell him “no mother fucker not today!” I have to take actionable steps to defend myself against him. I have spent years sharpening my mind and body to protect myself against its relentless attacks so that when the time comes, I can stand up and be victorious. This is a choice and choice lays between decision and indecision. Everything I do from writing blogs to creating the Think Unbroken workshop, to getting my ass up out of bed, going to the gym, and choosing to put healthy food in my body is all choice. I used to choose to poison myself because being numb felt safe.

There are only two options left. I have done everything to this point. I have done all the therapy, the meditations, listened to all the podcasts, and read the self-help books until I wanted to puke. The foundation is built. What each day consists of now is hard work. That’s option one. I have to do the job even on the days that I feel the grasp of the monster around my shoulders whispering sweet nothings into my ear. “It’s OK Michael. Just one cigarette. Just one hookup in the back of a bar shit-faced with a person who names you don’t know. Just one day, stay in bed all day. It’ll be just fine….” The hisses of a being that feeds on weakness. Giving in is option two.

That’s where my truth sits. Right there. I have success each day by choosing the route that I allow my life to go. Each decision and each action is predicated on the fact that I want to try my best to be the best version of me that I can. That does NOT make the battle easy. The hardest part of my day is making the decision to get out of bed and to choose to do the right things for the people who are counting on me and for me.

It has taken me a while to fully acknowledge that there are people who look towards me for support, for compassion, for advice, for guidance, and for the hope that they can change their lives in the same way that I have. In this aknoweldgemnt, I know that I cannot let those people done. You may be one of those people if you are reading this. I do not want to let you down because that would mean that I have let myself down. I feel some kind of responsibility to hold the torch for those who don’t have the strength to do it themselves.

I think about what it’s like to sit on the cusp of something greater than me, and I have to remind myself that I am still only human. I don’t want to come off as anything but just that. I laugh, I cry, I fear, I fail, I win, I learn, I try, I lose, I build, and I fall. It’s the getting back up part that keeps the monster at bay. He knows my weaknesses, and he loves the feeling that he gets when I throw him a bone, but I love the feeling I get when I put my needs first.

There will never be a day that I don’t struggle in some way. That is the nature of the game. What I believe makes me strong is my unflappable desire to leave my mark on the world. I wonder how many people will come to my funeral. I think about what that day looks like and what the people who are there will talk about. Are they happy and thinking of the great ways that I impacted them or are they spitting on my grave and cursing my name? There was a time when I felt like there was no way anything but the latter would happen. I didn’t just expect people to hate me, I welcomed it. That’s because I hated myself. Now I’ve put the pieces back together, and when I am on my death bed looking up at my monster, I’ll laugh knowing that I’m the one who wins while he goes on starving. At least that’s how it plays out in my head.

Time will tell what happens. I’ve relinquished control of the uncontrollable, and a feeling of peace has come with that. I do still fuck up. I lose myself in doubt, in fear, in all of the things that were my foundation. Instead of loathing in those thoughts, I allow those feelings and sensations to be present and I fully accept that they are a part of my human experience. It’s when I’m able to place my finger on what is happening that growth happens for me. Each day I try to do my absolute best to be the best me. That’s all I can do. That’s all anyone can do.

We all have a monster inside of us. We all have darkness in us and are moments away from losing our heads. It’s the choice we make to ward off our monster that makes use powerful and that comes in choice. We can fight or be overcome. When it is all said and done that’s the only thing that I know to be true. We decide.

I liken this to these lyrics from Audioslave:

“There was a man who had a face that looked a lot like me
I saw him in the mirror and I fought him in the street
Then when he turned away, I shot him in the head
Then I came to realize, I had killed myself”